Stability

It's been on my mind for the past few weeks. I work in a delicatessen and a coffee kiosk full time. 5am to 2pm or 6am to 3pm shifts regularly. If I have another shifts its a once-in-a-while occurrence. I've loved the early hours for some time now, but as life has had it, I've grown more and more weary and tired. I have an almost 19 mo/old at home, I'll be starting online classes (part-time) here soon, and I've never been a super early to bed kind of person, though with a one year old and as early of a shift that I have, you think I'd learn by now. I'm not actually fighting the early to bed thing, it's just the time I have with Emma seems so short as it is during the day. And now I'm thinking of switching jobs that could take me away from her even more. It depend on how you look at it I suppose. I'm off two days a week anyways, and a I work about nine hour shifts on the days I work. The days vary, they are never set. Not a Monday through Friday shin-dig. This new job I'm hoping could work out is 8am to 5pm (every persons dream time?) Monday through Friday, weekends and holidays off (my dream!) compared to working holidays where I work currently and most Saturdays. They've been very accommodating with Sundays for me since it's a family and day of rest kind of day. This new job is sitting down most of the time, where my current job the only time you sit down is on break. I've grown used to it, and don't mind it. So really, this new job though, I'm leaning towards it because it's seems more stable. Stability for our lifestyle right now sounds wonderful. I don't feel stable not having a set time that I can stick to without interruption. I don't feel stable having mixed days off. I don't feel stable sending my daughter to daycare two hours one day and seven hours the next. I don't feel stable doing laundry one week on Tuesday, not getting it put away till Saturday then by that point doing a whole other batch. There's plenty more small unstable things, including our schedule with dad currently, that I could continue on with, but I won't because I hope by this point you can guess with a crazy schedule you'd understand. Am I whining to much? I might be, I don't mean to come off ungrateful for a job at all, in fact it's what's kept me happy for huge reasons! It helps me feel stable...though ideally, it would be nice to feel stable at home with my daughter if you catch my drift...we've tried it and ran into a few bumps. It's been difficult for some time now. But I'm keeping my job. It's good pay and good people, and I enjoy my work for the most part. It's the stability I need to give to my daughter and myself, and the other members of our household. It's tricky trying to decide which could be the better option. Stay where I am, drag through each day and toss Emma around on a tricky schedule, or switch (if I actually get the job), get paid more, have an actual same every day Mon-Fri weekends off schedule and have a routine for each day of the week. Which sounds better?
To lightly touch on my husbands and my relationship, it's currently healthy for the most part. I'm hesitant at the end because I feel like I could just be waiting for another time bomb to go off unfortunately. I've been through to many rock bottoms to know otherwise...and I hate feeling so doubtful. I wish I could feel like it's going to be okay from here on out, and not just for me but for Emma's sake. I'm very scared, all the time, though I'm not going day to day with my tail between my legs. It's just all on my mind frequently. And the bring the magic word-for good reason-into view once again, stability between us is questionable. I look at how stable it's been since the day we were married. Sure, we've been able to stay together this long (two years), but how much stability is in an average marriage compared to ours? And not just relationship-wise, but schedule, lifestyle, communication, respect, love, all of it. It's felt unstable at times that I wish it was on a rock solid foundation. I'm praying and hoping everyday with another good day. Some days my hope though doesn't feel strong enough, and other days it does feel strong. Maybe it's normal, feeling this way? Or maybe I'm just kidding myself. You can tell I don't know what to think. I'm not afraid to admit I'm getting help for myself. And I don't feel it's anything to be ashamed of. I'm human, and need help sometime.
There is my rant of stability for the day.
Hope those readers that grace my page with there readers eyes are doing okay themselves. We are all fighting our own battles that seem as big as the world sometimes. They are that big, because to you it is your world.
Goodnight.

And Here We Go!

I officially applied for College of Western Idaho as of yesterday evening. Sent in my applicants fee check and everything! So far, planning as earning an assoiciates through them in Arts of Elementary Education, then will plan to continue schooling through BYU-Idaho. I'm THRILLED I have taken the first step in this direction. Life has been a little more topsy turvy than usual lately, so this has helped at least ease some of the excitement happening, though I'm still excited in a different way.
I'm a mom of an 18 mo/old and I work almost full time. My shifts vary from Starbucks barista to a delicatessen associate, both through Fred Meyer; And my shifts usual start off at 5am or 6am. It's nice to have a good half of a day after that, at least it's what you think of when you see you're off at 2 or 3. But when you get home, Netflix, scrubbies, and cuddling with Emma let alone a long nap with her sound pretty darn good. Wanting time with your baby too is a kick in the butt sometimes. So getting to bed at a good hour can seem almost cruel towards the time you could be with your child. It's a tough thing to work through, I still am :)
I don't have time to continue this post as of this moment, we are heading out to dinner! I plan to pick up more frequent postings in the future though!