Stability

It's been on my mind for the past few weeks. I work in a delicatessen and a coffee kiosk full time. 5am to 2pm or 6am to 3pm shifts regularly. If I have another shifts its a once-in-a-while occurrence. I've loved the early hours for some time now, but as life has had it, I've grown more and more weary and tired. I have an almost 19 mo/old at home, I'll be starting online classes (part-time) here soon, and I've never been a super early to bed kind of person, though with a one year old and as early of a shift that I have, you think I'd learn by now. I'm not actually fighting the early to bed thing, it's just the time I have with Emma seems so short as it is during the day. And now I'm thinking of switching jobs that could take me away from her even more. It depend on how you look at it I suppose. I'm off two days a week anyways, and a I work about nine hour shifts on the days I work. The days vary, they are never set. Not a Monday through Friday shin-dig. This new job I'm hoping could work out is 8am to 5pm (every persons dream time?) Monday through Friday, weekends and holidays off (my dream!) compared to working holidays where I work currently and most Saturdays. They've been very accommodating with Sundays for me since it's a family and day of rest kind of day. This new job is sitting down most of the time, where my current job the only time you sit down is on break. I've grown used to it, and don't mind it. So really, this new job though, I'm leaning towards it because it's seems more stable. Stability for our lifestyle right now sounds wonderful. I don't feel stable not having a set time that I can stick to without interruption. I don't feel stable having mixed days off. I don't feel stable sending my daughter to daycare two hours one day and seven hours the next. I don't feel stable doing laundry one week on Tuesday, not getting it put away till Saturday then by that point doing a whole other batch. There's plenty more small unstable things, including our schedule with dad currently, that I could continue on with, but I won't because I hope by this point you can guess with a crazy schedule you'd understand. Am I whining to much? I might be, I don't mean to come off ungrateful for a job at all, in fact it's what's kept me happy for huge reasons! It helps me feel stable...though ideally, it would be nice to feel stable at home with my daughter if you catch my drift...we've tried it and ran into a few bumps. It's been difficult for some time now. But I'm keeping my job. It's good pay and good people, and I enjoy my work for the most part. It's the stability I need to give to my daughter and myself, and the other members of our household. It's tricky trying to decide which could be the better option. Stay where I am, drag through each day and toss Emma around on a tricky schedule, or switch (if I actually get the job), get paid more, have an actual same every day Mon-Fri weekends off schedule and have a routine for each day of the week. Which sounds better?
To lightly touch on my husbands and my relationship, it's currently healthy for the most part. I'm hesitant at the end because I feel like I could just be waiting for another time bomb to go off unfortunately. I've been through to many rock bottoms to know otherwise...and I hate feeling so doubtful. I wish I could feel like it's going to be okay from here on out, and not just for me but for Emma's sake. I'm very scared, all the time, though I'm not going day to day with my tail between my legs. It's just all on my mind frequently. And the bring the magic word-for good reason-into view once again, stability between us is questionable. I look at how stable it's been since the day we were married. Sure, we've been able to stay together this long (two years), but how much stability is in an average marriage compared to ours? And not just relationship-wise, but schedule, lifestyle, communication, respect, love, all of it. It's felt unstable at times that I wish it was on a rock solid foundation. I'm praying and hoping everyday with another good day. Some days my hope though doesn't feel strong enough, and other days it does feel strong. Maybe it's normal, feeling this way? Or maybe I'm just kidding myself. You can tell I don't know what to think. I'm not afraid to admit I'm getting help for myself. And I don't feel it's anything to be ashamed of. I'm human, and need help sometime.
There is my rant of stability for the day.
Hope those readers that grace my page with there readers eyes are doing okay themselves. We are all fighting our own battles that seem as big as the world sometimes. They are that big, because to you it is your world.
Goodnight.

And Here We Go!

I officially applied for College of Western Idaho as of yesterday evening. Sent in my applicants fee check and everything! So far, planning as earning an assoiciates through them in Arts of Elementary Education, then will plan to continue schooling through BYU-Idaho. I'm THRILLED I have taken the first step in this direction. Life has been a little more topsy turvy than usual lately, so this has helped at least ease some of the excitement happening, though I'm still excited in a different way.
I'm a mom of an 18 mo/old and I work almost full time. My shifts vary from Starbucks barista to a delicatessen associate, both through Fred Meyer; And my shifts usual start off at 5am or 6am. It's nice to have a good half of a day after that, at least it's what you think of when you see you're off at 2 or 3. But when you get home, Netflix, scrubbies, and cuddling with Emma let alone a long nap with her sound pretty darn good. Wanting time with your baby too is a kick in the butt sometimes. So getting to bed at a good hour can seem almost cruel towards the time you could be with your child. It's a tough thing to work through, I still am :)
I don't have time to continue this post as of this moment, we are heading out to dinner! I plan to pick up more frequent postings in the future though!

The Epitome of Children Everywhere...in 2014

You have to understand my one year is a very active little girl, so for her to sit still for fifteen minutes focused on something, in this case "Frozen", is a rare, RARE sight to see.

How Many "Goose Eggs" Will It Take?

So yesterday, this little cutie in her new dress -that was meant for Easter Sunday, but fits now- konked her head I don't know how many times. It's hard as a parent to see it happen so quick, and with it being as often as she had done it yesterday, I tried to prevent it where I could, but alas the child managed to bonk her noggin' faster than I could get to her on numerous occasion! Please tell me I'm not the only parent to wonder how many bonks on the head will it take for you learn?

 Here is a picture of my curious find while uploading my photos for tonight post. Pam is my mother FYI. It took me fifteen minutes to find this cord, she hid it well...

As for the story behind the rest of the photos, well these are just the adventures of daily life with a one year old. Emma climbed up to perch between the coffee table and couch all by herself, as well as under the kitchen tables chair. As for the weird hose she's chewing on, well Grandma's room is off limits till she comes home from work, and at that time, Emma has learned where the fun is located in her room. Her C-Pap being one of the many attractions haha. She's learned how to turn it on as well!

A Post a Day Keeps the Madness Away

It's helped, writing has, these past few days. Whether it's in a journal or on the blog. I'm trying life without Facebook. Tell me if this sounds familiar to you moms out there with little ones at home. Facebook is for scrolling and browsing through old friends lives who you don't keep up with anymore. Maybe even some old co-workers, in-laws, distant extended family, and though it does not pertain to myself, even an old flame of yours. We call it a social network, but were not actually social. We're starring through a screen and at least for myself, the most common interaction I have with others on Facebook specifically is 'liking' their photos or status'. And what are the status' of most commonly? Complaints. I'm 'liking' a complaint you guys! It's a big fast pessimistic wall of comments half the time, and the only reason I found it exciting was because it was a small removal from the world I'm in at home, and a temporary one at that. My home life though, I don't need to be removed from it. I love it. Facebook was just a peak at more life out there. Granted, there are good aspects of Facebook too, don't get me wrong. I'm talking about photos or family/group pages of people in common. For instance, being a new mama with a youngster, gals in my church ward had a page that was good for scheduling play dates. Or a Family page for instance, my in-laws are the best I know at keeping up with each other and that's only one of the things I love about the Lewis family! They share photos so easily with just each other, or we can all keep up on an upcoming get together. So again, I'll say, Facebook can be good and bad. I'm enjoying myself not having to turn to it for recharge during the day, it's so much more fun to keep up a blog!

A Bumpy Road

So I have not posted projects as of late, nor recipes. Mostly entries late at night, because after a long day of watching Emma, and my mom takes her to bed, it's all I have energy for. It's day two of a temporary change I've made, and it was easier than the first. The first was rough. I sat around in my scrubs all day with Emma and watched Friends. Emma helped me come back to reality a few different times. I know she could sense something was going on, she's thirteen months, not oblivious. She's been acting out as well for the past couple of weeks, today was definitely noticeable. She's become very defiant, and independent in her play time. I'll get pushed away a few times, I can't touch her at all or she'll get upset. Then suddenly, she can't seem to leave my side; constantly wanting to be picked up. I'll have music playing, and if I set her on the floor for second while I try to clean the kitchen it's immediate water works with a series of screaming till I pick her up again and dance with her. I'm heartbroken, wondering what's going on in that little head of hers. I'm scared, feeling too weak willed to put on a better than fake smile trying to pretend like it's another normal day. Sometimes she keeps going like it is, and then there's yesterday where she put her hand on mine during bath time for just a split second, and I catch myself having drifted off again thinking. Like I said, she pulled me back to reality a few times. She's my rock right now. I'll always be hers. I need to keep going and not scar her from this change. I don't want this to have to be one that stays. Getting back to a healthier norm will be better for all of us.
I have never been a huge planner, but I've always had some idea of what lies fairly near in the future ahead of me. I know much past that could easily change at any moment. It became comfortable, feeling like I can help what happens generally, but still aware enough that I should be on guard and ready to take the wheel with both hands when the time came if need be. So, I've been that way all my life until the past few months, and then I'm lucky enough to have a co-driver along with me.  The drive is pretty straight forward, some curves and hills but nothing to bad. And then, I'm on bumpy terrain and a windy road and I can't see ahead of me very well. Maybe to help you understand the picture more, pretend it's dark out and you're head lights may not work. You'd be scared right? You knew it wasn't good to come to a stop and stay put, what good would that do? Something bad could still happen then. It wouldn't get you anywhere. You only hoped that if you kept going you would eventually hit easier terrain and a less windy road. It's happened before. Well I feel like I've been on this windy dark road for a long time,  much longer than what it should be, and right now I'm stopped until I get some help from my co-driver, but they don't want to drive just yet.. They say they will, and I've waited and waited for them to take a turn, but they haven't actually driven yet. I'm just hoping they will soon though. This is how I've felt for awhile now.
Oh and get this, you know how you'll see road signs on your trips? Some just once, others every few miles or so? They exist too in this metaphor, but noticing the ones that keep showing up and telling your co-driver about them isn't a good thing. It's actually irritating them. We think of road signs as information and warning givers right? So paying attention to them should be a good thing, not a bad one, at least I'd have hoped.
Alright, I'm to the point that I'm constantly rubbing my eyes. My right one has actually been consistently itching as well, little fun fact.
I'm off to bed.
Signing off as a person who's just behind a wheel. Goodnight.

Feeling A Wee Bit Insignificant

But not in a bad way. My life is large on it's own scale as each of ours is when we take the time to write it out. We are where we are for a reason, right? I believe that.
I just received oversized pictures from one of my closest cousins via email of her trip to the European region, and my my my I could not be happier for her. To imagine though, she is over there, visiting what I've only seen in movies and pictures, while I'm here tonight, restling and playing with my one year old much to late into the evening for her own good. It's kept her up. Am I a bad mom? No. Does she get the sleep she needs? YES! Though I would wish in my life I can look back and see I gave my kids that chance at a good nights sleep and a good time! But, to get back to subject, Sarah is in Florence Italy, my Sarah, the one I climbed walls with and tackled to the ground when I saw her after months of separation due to us living in seperate states! She is getting the opportunity to explore the world and I'm bursting with cheer for her. I am as well of course envious, but why waist my time on that emotion for more than a five second splurge? It's pointless. I'll do my dreaming at night with pictures in my head, thankyou! My happiness is met in the day, when I can walk into Emmas room in the morning hearing her jibber-jabber herself awake, and seeing that smile she gets when she first see's me, now that's priceless. Mamas know that.
I feel insignificant due to recognizing-but not for the first time-the many different perspectives and struggles in every day life for those I am aware of through the wonders of the internet (aka facebook). I wonder what my friend in Texas is going through right now on her vacation with a close family friend. I find myself recalling what it was like to plan and prep for my reception as my husbands best friends fiance is doing so now-a-days. I wonder what little thoughts enter Emmas head in the second she wakes up from a nightmare at 5am. I wonder how Kirk, my husband is doing...every. Single. Day. For a year and a half I have been married to this man, and boy we have had a healthy dose of struggle. But I find myself even after all the hurt and pain still imagining a better future. Whether its tomorrow, a year from now, when all of our kids have arrived, or when they're all grown. I don't want to ever be just another divorcee-not saying that's on the plate or anywhere near it right now-but honestly it's been a thought more than once. And I never want to be there. I want to grow old with him happily. He's a good man.
My point in my rambling tonight is to just put my very small and probably not even noticed world out there for an evening. I have a life too, and I love knowing I'm not the only one who has one. I can only imagine a fraction of what else is going on in everyone elses lives that I've come so close to over the years tonight!
Good night to those of you I'm imagining reading this.
I wonder what I'll imagine tomorrow!