The Ups and Downs

I'm 20 years old, almost 21, and married to a great guy with a beautiful 9 m/o daughter already. Some might think, "That's so young!", while other don't see it as unusual at all. It's all a matter of perspective. As is what marriage should contain within it. It's scary sometimes seeing how much it entails. I grew up in a house where my Grandparents lived side by side my mom and I. No siblings. No dad in the picture. Just my mom and I all the way through. I wanted both siblings and a father growing up, don't get me wrong, but I also don't look back and remorse over the fact that I didn't. I have the relationship with my mom that I do because of how I grew up. It would be different I think if I did have other immediate family members in the picture. Anyway, as we grow up, our first vision of what marriage should consist of is so innocent and simple. We get to see it first from what's right in front of us, our parents. As we grow, the vision, or opinion rather, grows too. And then comes the moment where you find someone special, and after the time passes that you need, marriage is knocking on your door. As I look back, I practically ran for that door to answer it. We had a somewhat unusual situation unfold in front of us, but were not the first who experienced it. We got pregnant before we were even engaged. It's kind of what got the ball rolling you could say. We had talked about marriage though before hand. Months in advance even. But at the time we were both sure that it's what would happen-marriage. We were happy and felt that way for one another. And we had talked about kids of course too, though we had anticipated it being further down the road instead of right around the corner. It scared us, but we stepped up to the plate. We're where we are now, and were doing great. I want to say everything's happy, most is. When I look at a bigger picture, Kirk is such an amazing guy. There are so many guys out there that aren't employed at his age, don't have a plan. Don't really care about much other than what's going on in the moment. Kirk's not like that, and it's a blessing every hour of each day. He's with me, and we help each other. That's a great thing in marriage to have I feel, partnership. We work together, we have a plan, we have our goals, our hopes, our anticipations. I truly am blessed to be marriage to such a great guy. And while marriage can be this great, and isn't a temporary feeling for us, we have our scary moments though. Our downs. And I hate them.
Being married, I'm a whole new and different person than what I was when I was 18. And I don't know about everyone else, but I've heard from others, and I can agree, we feel like were still 18, just with new things laid out in front of us in life. New priorities, new missions, new goals, new friends, a new life. Though we don't feel like were 30 when we get to that age. So saying that, my point is, before I met Kirk, I felt like I had better control of how I felt in tough situations with friends or family. Take a disagreement or argument for example, an argument with a friend 'back in the day' is different from an argument with your husband. It's scary! Even if it's just the silliest thing, I feel different between the two. As I should I think. But man, though the arguments with my friends were few and far between-I did not like quarrelling at all, I hoped to avoid it where I could-I still felt like I had a better grip on what was happening. What I was thinking or feeling during those times. With my husband it's different, I feel lost, or at a loss for words, hurt on a different level at times. Alone at times. Needless to say, though I'll say it again, I hate our fights.
I remember too though, that we are less than half way through our second year of marriage. I thought the phrase "The first year is the hardest" was the most well known, turns out it's actually the first few years. I can believe that in order to truly get to known some one completely, it takes at least two years. Were not to that mark in our married life yet, though I have known him for that amount of time.
My rant today is just my sharing my feelings on what marriage is really like. It has its ups and downs. The ups can be so amazingly wonderful that they will pull you through the downs, though while in that down, it's hard to believe that. With kids too, well that's a completely separate conversation in itself. My intention was the point out as much as I could within a half our of typing what both ups and downs can feel like. Marriage is amazing. I wouldn't take it back. His family-I don't think I could have married into a better one; I'm fully convinced of that! They are amazing. Our daughter - she's a good form of glue sometimes. I think most of us can think of our kids like that in moments. She's our blessing. And though she was a surprise, I feel she was meant to come when she did. I love my little family.