My White Room

I need my white room right about now. It's been a shaky few weeks. Longer, really, but taking it a day at a time fades the image of how long it's actually been shaky. I'm scared and anxious, fed up and patient, tired and determined, basically I have very mixed emotions about now. My white room is a place where if my thoughts where actual objects I could see, I would push them to the outside, where I could only see them through what I imagine as fogged glass. They aren't in focus, so I don't focus in on them. I choose one of them to think about and sit in infant of me in this room. It's just myself and the thought, starring each other down to figure in out. It's a silly imaginary physical metaphor, but it helps sometimes. I wish life could just feel a little more predictable in ways that it should be. It's not at this time in my life, so I'm affected by it as I believe anyone would be.

Emma Rose

Now-a-days, Miss Emma has grown quite a bit since my last journal entry (I have one for her I'm writing in until she graduated or turns 18 years old that I'll give to her full of her life memories and milestones from my perspective). So I thought I would include what I would write in her paper journal in my blog as well, just so you folks can hear what experiences we get to have with her these days.
Her words include: Mommy, Daddy, Grandma (pronounced "gram-ba"), as well as Grandpa and Cita (Grandma on Dads side), Puppy, Moon, Star, Plane, Car and Cars (the movie she loves), Outside, Shoes (she pronounced them "shoes-eez"), Toys, Socks, Please, Sorry, Thank you, You're Welcome (a rare word), Cassie (Mommy's cousin we see every week or so), Kenzie (Mommy's friend we see multiple times a week), KK's (Kirsten is her babysitter during the day, she calls herself KK to make it easy for the kids), Lucy, Archer, Thomas (all are kids at daycare), Binki (the cursed and blessed object we're currently working on getting her weaned off of), Up, Nemo, Bath, NO (great...), Cup, Thirsty, Poop,
Words we are working on now: I love you, You're welcome, (basically more than one word phrases and daily used objects), garbage, Ew!, Hungry,
New things to learn that we'll be teaching her soon: Being Potty Trained! As well as staying in her bed at bed time(upgraded to toddler bed as of Oct. 8th 2015) instead of getting out to play and falling asleep on the floor. We are currently working on staying close to mommy in the store when we are shopping instead of running off,
She loves to hand us her cup and plate when she's done using them right now which isn't a bad thing, but funny when there is a table right next to her. I will be encouraging this as well as teaching her to take them to the kitchen sink if she's done. I'm a lucky mama here. She hates blankets that constrict her, but loves them when we're cuddling. It depends on the time I guess. She likes to take her socks off (I say this as she sits next to me as is doing exactly that) instead of keeping them on her feet to stay warm. She LOVES to put her blanket on top of her covering all of her but her feet and lay on floor while saying, or rather, yelling "Mommy!" till I come to get her and play with her. She likes to throw things sometimes (again, I type this as she now chucks her socks she just took off across the room), She likes to say Mommy or Daddy on the mornings she gets to sleep in at home when she wakes up until we come to get her. She even knocks on the door some times, and it's so quiet and soft its heartbreaking to think about her doing that just to come out with us. She has a bed time routine she loves and is good at sticking to. Here's how it starts:
-Mommy says "bath time" and she drops what she is doing and runs to the closed bathroom door
-Bath time commences, she asks for Toys.
-We unplug the tub and she helps put bath toys away, then plays hard to get when I bring the towel in for her
-She escapes the towel and runs naked sometimes
-We range her, lotion her legs, diaper and dress her in her jimmies, dry her hair, and put away lotion and hang towel. She helps with the lotion being put away ALWAYS
-We brush her teeth, get a blanket and head to mom and dads room for a movie before stories and/or cuddles before bed. Say a prayer
-Goes to crib (but sometimes gets out to fall asleep on the floor)
It's a very sweet and nice routine I love myself. She's a little bundle of joy!

I could go on and on about our life with Emma on a daily basis, but I don't want to make this post to long to read. You've been given a glimpse though at some of the fun things we get to experience with Emma. We are very blessed and lucky to have this little girl.

"Pane!" She says (Plane in the sky that Grandma is sharing enthusiasm about)

Mommy wore this coat at about the same age Emma is now (22 months and counting-almost 2yrs)

That first hair bun!

Mothers and Plumming

The two aren't a common pair, nor are they talked about in the same conversation, at least normally I would think. Today, unfortunately, I was scheduled to work. How I feel about working on Sunday: It feels like any other day when it should not. Sunday is my day I spend with family only. If I have a visitor, it's extended family, home teachers, visiting teachers, or my closest friend who is basically as close as a blood relative. I don't shop, eat out, or go anywhere that requires others to work or serve me if I can help it. It's the Lords day. I want to spend it like the Lord would. With loved ones, resting, making memories, appreciating the weeks work I had done prior to that day. It's simply an intimate day for me. When I work, I don't get to take the sacrament in the first hour of church, and I don't get to see Emma spend time in Nursery with other kids her age. I don't get to be around my family. It don't feel special to me as I intend for Sundays to feel. But, I am not a negative person, I'll have you know, I was just as friendly with customers as I was any other day. I made coffee as I would any other day, and I was just as relieved to see Emma as soon as I walked in the door as I would be any other day (if not more so today).
So why plumbing? And why mothers? Well my mother called me in hysterics at work about an hour and half before my scheduled time off because of a plumbing issue between her room and the washroom. I come home to find torn up carpet, a mess I'd rather not go into detail about because it makes me sick thinking of it, and my baby watching 'Cars' and playing with her toys in the family room. My poor mother has been slaving over what seems to be clean up of the water damage to her part of the house for the past three or four hours, and she's heartbroken feeling like she's been neglectful towards Emma as she's been watching her since Kirk left for work only a few hours prior to my coming home. She's an excellent, loving, oh so thoughtful and caring Grandma, and my reassuring her of this barely did any good. I don't need to go into detail of how much spoiling and love is exchanged between Grandparents and Grandkids on any normal day. So all in all, my mother has had a fairly horrible day. I came home to the 'rescue', and now I am blogging next to my sacked out daughter. She hasn't been feeling so well either in the past few days with a nasty case of diaper rash and a selective diet. We've been doing to best that we can lately. Life can just hand us that one thing that triggers a whole mess after we've tried to stay strong for so long. It's how we stay humble.
I don't know where I would be without my mother and the help she gives me personally. She has been the ear to listen to my woes from the very start, but especially in the past few years she has really had strength that no other person on earth can have than a mother. It's a special title given duties along with it that no other can replicate. I feel so bad that I wasn't here earlier to help with this mess today, but I'm here now to help. I just want to help.
Happy November to you all!

Here is something random: My Public Announcement in Fred Meyer for Starbucks

Fred Meyer shoppers, it's all Hallows Eve!
So come by to get coffee before you all leave.
We have a new trick, or is it a treat?
Well either way, it is awfully sweet.
Our Frappula Frappuccino is a drink to die for!
So come by to grab one on your way out the door.
It's been such a delight to hear you all scream,
and by all means, have a Happy Halloween!

Yes it's November 1st, but hey I forgot to include this in yesterdays post. I loved this creative rhyme :) It was fun to make up and say to all the FM folks in the store over the intercom!
Hope you all stayed safe and had a Happy Halloween last night!

Happy All Hallows Eve!

Or Happy Halloween is a much more commonly known saying. I would love to say I've been letting Emma get crafty in the spirit of Halloween, but I worked today, and alas she is not even two years old. Kirk's family is excellent on celebrating any holiday with get together's that are worth it. His family is so large is always so fun to get together. We can meet at a church building and trick or treat as a family all by ourselves. In fact that's just what we did! Games, dinner, trick or treating, prizes, dressing up, free-for all table. What is a free for all table you might ask? Well, this is also something we do now at our get togethers, there are so many children that toys and clothes become out grown very fast. So half the time I know the family loves to take their belongings to re-use stores such as Kids Again, or the other half, we donate our belongings to each other. There was so much stuff in filled three six foot long tables! I was able to snag quite a few good clothes Emma can grow into! Here are some pictures from this Halloween seasons follows.
FYI - Kirk is Sully, I'm Mike Wasowski, and Emma is Boo from Monsters Inc.

The wreathe I made

Our painted shirts as a Monsters Inc. family!

Hallowen Party-bobbing for apples!

Prizes!

Line for games!

Kirk dressed up (I'm lucky to have gotten a picture of him like this.)

My luck carries on :)

Pumpkin walk

And then Emma being Emma

It's Autumn Time

My post's title tonight is inspired by a primary hymn that I sing to Emma, as I try to sing to her daily little church songs that she can grow to learn. It is Autumn time, today especially felt so. It was overcast here and rainy part of the day, but had that chill and even smell of fall outside. It was so nice! Now remind me to look back at this post in three or four months when I'm complaining about the dreary whether. It's always the start of a season that I enjoy. The first few weeks or so I enjoy the feel of, as do most. Fall would be my favorite time of the year. At work, we've put out pumpkins this past week that look AMAZING and I want so badly to create this one from Pinterest (is that surprising?). It's placed on its side so the stem is the nose and instead of it being a regular fairly round all around pumpkin, it looks like it's been sat it so it's flat. I'll post a picture if I can get around to buying and creating what I have in mind.
So I'm very much wanting to post more often, but with my schedule I become exhausted fairly quickly. I'm planning to change that, or take hold of it with a better grip here. It's taking time. What happens daily though is important to look back on. I see this as a journal of sorts, and would love to record my life as I make it.
Today, Emma has had a good day, so I have had good day too knowing this. Her bed time routine I'm coming to realize isn't just a soothing end to the day for her, but for me also. Bath time, lotion, jimmies, singing, brushing teeth then give or take thirty minutes of a movie, books and cuddling through the entire process, it's very comforting. I look forward to that part of the day because I'm that mom that refuels in that process. Having Emma close to me is therapeutic and special in a way that is hard to explain any other way than just simply saying I love her so much. She is what has kept me going every single day. She's a reminder I love and welcome. Seeing her run to me when Kirsten opens the door once I pick her up from daycare is the one of the best feelings a mom can have. She is so excited and happy, it makes me feel like she knows I'm gone for a good reason and she's thankful to see me finally.
I want to take a few days off in the next few weeks. I'm thinking about five would do well, as long as I can schedule it to where I can still get thirty two to forty hours in the two weeks the break would be between. I want so badly to overcome the mountain of need for organization of a closet in Emmas room, clean up the rest of my belongings in my moms garage and get it all into storage, transfer every file and photo from my moms PC to my macbook or disks, finish crafts I have yet to (they are piling up), finish a book that sides open faced on my nightstand everyday, clean up the back yard's garden for the season and just get some good rest. I'm burning out at my job, and from home. I'm very much wanting to find the time for all of this, because these tasks are too big to conquer in one days sitting once work is past and school. I want time with my baby as well. I miss being home with her during the day.
That is my shpeel for the night. I will try to continue thoughts and posts of pictures here soon. Here are some recent images that don't really relate to the content of my post, but you may want to see how big Emma is getting or what we've been up to!

Emma and I watching Frozen for the billionth time

Sarahs and my trip to McCall in June

McCalls main beach area

A Big Step Forward

I am finally taking the step towards school for myself. It's taken me much longer that I had anticpated first immerging out of the high school phase after graduation, but I can't say I wasn't productive. I made a few mistakes along the way, but I'm human and we all do in our own ways. My slip-ups though have given me what I have today, and I would not trade what I have in life for anything, including the head on my shoulders. I'm not perfect, I know that, but I also know I could be off so much worse. Where I am now, I feel very blessed, though my strides to this point were not ideal, as I said before, I still don't regret what I have come to have from them.
I have a beautiful daughter. Very strong willed, loving and beautiful. At only nineteen months now, she's got a very sturdy personality and funny little sense of humor. She's growing much to fast, but at the same time, she's been very healthy. And that alone is a blessing. I have a hard working husband, who though we still can have our rocky days, works hard in school, work, and at home. We've definitely seen some bad days, and still do not necessesarily have a forcast for tomorrow, but right now I know and appriciate how much he does for us. Then there are friends, family, co-workers who are all great in their own way as well. But aside from the in-the-household luck I've had, I've had a steady job with Fred Meyer for what adds up to about three years now. And what's to come after all this? School. I'm finally taking the next step. It's a bit of a relief knowing I'm actually taking charge of this part of my life finally, but this week alone has been a stressor. The week was a crash-course study kind of feel, and today I took placement tests that assure my admissions have all been turned in. So technically, I'm not enrolled yet, have not recieved the letter of acceptance, nor have I even started (that's still a month off) but for me, getting past today was a big deal for me. It means I've done what I could to make sure I had all I needed to apply for college. Now the next fun part comes, choosing the classes. I'm strongly leaning towards Elementary Education, though in the past I've bounced off of pediatrics, nursing, sign launguage interpreting, arts education, high school education--basically a small list of occupations--but have been interesting in Elementary Educ. for some time now. So I'll start looking into the courses I'll need to take for that degree. I'm so excited!
What else is on my list of to-do's this month? I have to look into purchasing a laptop for school and personal use (this is a hard pill to swallow). A Macbook Pro at this point is what I'm heading for. Aside from the rest of the checklist for what I have do to for school, I've come to expect myself to be in search of a new, more sturdy job. One that pays more would be nice, and one that has set days for each week that are the same as well as the hours. Sounds like a dream a little bit, but hey it may be. I'm looking into St. Alphonsus clinic administrative jobs though, I've heard many good things about them. Next, I have to worry about crafting for a group race, and family reuion auction items. This may not seem like much, but the crafter inside of me is a bit to much of a perfectionist, so finding a day alone to devote to this work can take some time. The family reuion the craft is for is also next week, as well as a very exciting campout for a large bunch of our neices and nephews. After this next week passes, I'm still deciding if I want to wind back down to normal, or continue a busy streak with a wedding, two baby showers, a birthday party and homecoming visit to a missionary. I'm leaning towards keeping it a little less busy. It's most likely that either way I go, we'll have plenty of family get togethers we'll be attending as well. Then at the end of the month, a city-wide color run with sparkle theme I'll be attending with a couple of co-workers of mine. This month is very busy, but I'm doing my best to keep it all in perspective and control. I get overwhelmed easily at times, and what I have to keep reminding myself is to pick and choose my battles. It can be very hard at times, but for at least the next week, I think I have a handle on things. So we'll see how things play out. Once I get settled into a laptop here soon, hopefully I can keep my blog regularly updated with the weeks' adventures we have. I'd love to get more pictures up as well. But for now, I really just appricate the chance to lay out some thoughts without having to cramp up my hang in a journal. Ideally, it seems more nostalgic to write in a journal, and I'd love to, but it todays world, I myself find the electronic benefit is much more preferable some days.

Goodnight!

Stability

It's been on my mind for the past few weeks. I work in a delicatessen and a coffee kiosk full time. 5am to 2pm or 6am to 3pm shifts regularly. If I have another shifts its a once-in-a-while occurrence. I've loved the early hours for some time now, but as life has had it, I've grown more and more weary and tired. I have an almost 19 mo/old at home, I'll be starting online classes (part-time) here soon, and I've never been a super early to bed kind of person, though with a one year old and as early of a shift that I have, you think I'd learn by now. I'm not actually fighting the early to bed thing, it's just the time I have with Emma seems so short as it is during the day. And now I'm thinking of switching jobs that could take me away from her even more. It depend on how you look at it I suppose. I'm off two days a week anyways, and a I work about nine hour shifts on the days I work. The days vary, they are never set. Not a Monday through Friday shin-dig. This new job I'm hoping could work out is 8am to 5pm (every persons dream time?) Monday through Friday, weekends and holidays off (my dream!) compared to working holidays where I work currently and most Saturdays. They've been very accommodating with Sundays for me since it's a family and day of rest kind of day. This new job is sitting down most of the time, where my current job the only time you sit down is on break. I've grown used to it, and don't mind it. So really, this new job though, I'm leaning towards it because it's seems more stable. Stability for our lifestyle right now sounds wonderful. I don't feel stable not having a set time that I can stick to without interruption. I don't feel stable having mixed days off. I don't feel stable sending my daughter to daycare two hours one day and seven hours the next. I don't feel stable doing laundry one week on Tuesday, not getting it put away till Saturday then by that point doing a whole other batch. There's plenty more small unstable things, including our schedule with dad currently, that I could continue on with, but I won't because I hope by this point you can guess with a crazy schedule you'd understand. Am I whining to much? I might be, I don't mean to come off ungrateful for a job at all, in fact it's what's kept me happy for huge reasons! It helps me feel stable...though ideally, it would be nice to feel stable at home with my daughter if you catch my drift...we've tried it and ran into a few bumps. It's been difficult for some time now. But I'm keeping my job. It's good pay and good people, and I enjoy my work for the most part. It's the stability I need to give to my daughter and myself, and the other members of our household. It's tricky trying to decide which could be the better option. Stay where I am, drag through each day and toss Emma around on a tricky schedule, or switch (if I actually get the job), get paid more, have an actual same every day Mon-Fri weekends off schedule and have a routine for each day of the week. Which sounds better?
To lightly touch on my husbands and my relationship, it's currently healthy for the most part. I'm hesitant at the end because I feel like I could just be waiting for another time bomb to go off unfortunately. I've been through to many rock bottoms to know otherwise...and I hate feeling so doubtful. I wish I could feel like it's going to be okay from here on out, and not just for me but for Emma's sake. I'm very scared, all the time, though I'm not going day to day with my tail between my legs. It's just all on my mind frequently. And the bring the magic word-for good reason-into view once again, stability between us is questionable. I look at how stable it's been since the day we were married. Sure, we've been able to stay together this long (two years), but how much stability is in an average marriage compared to ours? And not just relationship-wise, but schedule, lifestyle, communication, respect, love, all of it. It's felt unstable at times that I wish it was on a rock solid foundation. I'm praying and hoping everyday with another good day. Some days my hope though doesn't feel strong enough, and other days it does feel strong. Maybe it's normal, feeling this way? Or maybe I'm just kidding myself. You can tell I don't know what to think. I'm not afraid to admit I'm getting help for myself. And I don't feel it's anything to be ashamed of. I'm human, and need help sometime.
There is my rant of stability for the day.
Hope those readers that grace my page with there readers eyes are doing okay themselves. We are all fighting our own battles that seem as big as the world sometimes. They are that big, because to you it is your world.
Goodnight.

And Here We Go!

I officially applied for College of Western Idaho as of yesterday evening. Sent in my applicants fee check and everything! So far, planning as earning an assoiciates through them in Arts of Elementary Education, then will plan to continue schooling through BYU-Idaho. I'm THRILLED I have taken the first step in this direction. Life has been a little more topsy turvy than usual lately, so this has helped at least ease some of the excitement happening, though I'm still excited in a different way.
I'm a mom of an 18 mo/old and I work almost full time. My shifts vary from Starbucks barista to a delicatessen associate, both through Fred Meyer; And my shifts usual start off at 5am or 6am. It's nice to have a good half of a day after that, at least it's what you think of when you see you're off at 2 or 3. But when you get home, Netflix, scrubbies, and cuddling with Emma let alone a long nap with her sound pretty darn good. Wanting time with your baby too is a kick in the butt sometimes. So getting to bed at a good hour can seem almost cruel towards the time you could be with your child. It's a tough thing to work through, I still am :)
I don't have time to continue this post as of this moment, we are heading out to dinner! I plan to pick up more frequent postings in the future though!

The Epitome of Children Everywhere...in 2014

You have to understand my one year is a very active little girl, so for her to sit still for fifteen minutes focused on something, in this case "Frozen", is a rare, RARE sight to see.

How Many "Goose Eggs" Will It Take?

So yesterday, this little cutie in her new dress -that was meant for Easter Sunday, but fits now- konked her head I don't know how many times. It's hard as a parent to see it happen so quick, and with it being as often as she had done it yesterday, I tried to prevent it where I could, but alas the child managed to bonk her noggin' faster than I could get to her on numerous occasion! Please tell me I'm not the only parent to wonder how many bonks on the head will it take for you learn?

 Here is a picture of my curious find while uploading my photos for tonight post. Pam is my mother FYI. It took me fifteen minutes to find this cord, she hid it well...

As for the story behind the rest of the photos, well these are just the adventures of daily life with a one year old. Emma climbed up to perch between the coffee table and couch all by herself, as well as under the kitchen tables chair. As for the weird hose she's chewing on, well Grandma's room is off limits till she comes home from work, and at that time, Emma has learned where the fun is located in her room. Her C-Pap being one of the many attractions haha. She's learned how to turn it on as well!

A Post a Day Keeps the Madness Away

It's helped, writing has, these past few days. Whether it's in a journal or on the blog. I'm trying life without Facebook. Tell me if this sounds familiar to you moms out there with little ones at home. Facebook is for scrolling and browsing through old friends lives who you don't keep up with anymore. Maybe even some old co-workers, in-laws, distant extended family, and though it does not pertain to myself, even an old flame of yours. We call it a social network, but were not actually social. We're starring through a screen and at least for myself, the most common interaction I have with others on Facebook specifically is 'liking' their photos or status'. And what are the status' of most commonly? Complaints. I'm 'liking' a complaint you guys! It's a big fast pessimistic wall of comments half the time, and the only reason I found it exciting was because it was a small removal from the world I'm in at home, and a temporary one at that. My home life though, I don't need to be removed from it. I love it. Facebook was just a peak at more life out there. Granted, there are good aspects of Facebook too, don't get me wrong. I'm talking about photos or family/group pages of people in common. For instance, being a new mama with a youngster, gals in my church ward had a page that was good for scheduling play dates. Or a Family page for instance, my in-laws are the best I know at keeping up with each other and that's only one of the things I love about the Lewis family! They share photos so easily with just each other, or we can all keep up on an upcoming get together. So again, I'll say, Facebook can be good and bad. I'm enjoying myself not having to turn to it for recharge during the day, it's so much more fun to keep up a blog!

A Bumpy Road

So I have not posted projects as of late, nor recipes. Mostly entries late at night, because after a long day of watching Emma, and my mom takes her to bed, it's all I have energy for. It's day two of a temporary change I've made, and it was easier than the first. The first was rough. I sat around in my scrubs all day with Emma and watched Friends. Emma helped me come back to reality a few different times. I know she could sense something was going on, she's thirteen months, not oblivious. She's been acting out as well for the past couple of weeks, today was definitely noticeable. She's become very defiant, and independent in her play time. I'll get pushed away a few times, I can't touch her at all or she'll get upset. Then suddenly, she can't seem to leave my side; constantly wanting to be picked up. I'll have music playing, and if I set her on the floor for second while I try to clean the kitchen it's immediate water works with a series of screaming till I pick her up again and dance with her. I'm heartbroken, wondering what's going on in that little head of hers. I'm scared, feeling too weak willed to put on a better than fake smile trying to pretend like it's another normal day. Sometimes she keeps going like it is, and then there's yesterday where she put her hand on mine during bath time for just a split second, and I catch myself having drifted off again thinking. Like I said, she pulled me back to reality a few times. She's my rock right now. I'll always be hers. I need to keep going and not scar her from this change. I don't want this to have to be one that stays. Getting back to a healthier norm will be better for all of us.
I have never been a huge planner, but I've always had some idea of what lies fairly near in the future ahead of me. I know much past that could easily change at any moment. It became comfortable, feeling like I can help what happens generally, but still aware enough that I should be on guard and ready to take the wheel with both hands when the time came if need be. So, I've been that way all my life until the past few months, and then I'm lucky enough to have a co-driver along with me.  The drive is pretty straight forward, some curves and hills but nothing to bad. And then, I'm on bumpy terrain and a windy road and I can't see ahead of me very well. Maybe to help you understand the picture more, pretend it's dark out and you're head lights may not work. You'd be scared right? You knew it wasn't good to come to a stop and stay put, what good would that do? Something bad could still happen then. It wouldn't get you anywhere. You only hoped that if you kept going you would eventually hit easier terrain and a less windy road. It's happened before. Well I feel like I've been on this windy dark road for a long time,  much longer than what it should be, and right now I'm stopped until I get some help from my co-driver, but they don't want to drive just yet.. They say they will, and I've waited and waited for them to take a turn, but they haven't actually driven yet. I'm just hoping they will soon though. This is how I've felt for awhile now.
Oh and get this, you know how you'll see road signs on your trips? Some just once, others every few miles or so? They exist too in this metaphor, but noticing the ones that keep showing up and telling your co-driver about them isn't a good thing. It's actually irritating them. We think of road signs as information and warning givers right? So paying attention to them should be a good thing, not a bad one, at least I'd have hoped.
Alright, I'm to the point that I'm constantly rubbing my eyes. My right one has actually been consistently itching as well, little fun fact.
I'm off to bed.
Signing off as a person who's just behind a wheel. Goodnight.

Feeling A Wee Bit Insignificant

But not in a bad way. My life is large on it's own scale as each of ours is when we take the time to write it out. We are where we are for a reason, right? I believe that.
I just received oversized pictures from one of my closest cousins via email of her trip to the European region, and my my my I could not be happier for her. To imagine though, she is over there, visiting what I've only seen in movies and pictures, while I'm here tonight, restling and playing with my one year old much to late into the evening for her own good. It's kept her up. Am I a bad mom? No. Does she get the sleep she needs? YES! Though I would wish in my life I can look back and see I gave my kids that chance at a good nights sleep and a good time! But, to get back to subject, Sarah is in Florence Italy, my Sarah, the one I climbed walls with and tackled to the ground when I saw her after months of separation due to us living in seperate states! She is getting the opportunity to explore the world and I'm bursting with cheer for her. I am as well of course envious, but why waist my time on that emotion for more than a five second splurge? It's pointless. I'll do my dreaming at night with pictures in my head, thankyou! My happiness is met in the day, when I can walk into Emmas room in the morning hearing her jibber-jabber herself awake, and seeing that smile she gets when she first see's me, now that's priceless. Mamas know that.
I feel insignificant due to recognizing-but not for the first time-the many different perspectives and struggles in every day life for those I am aware of through the wonders of the internet (aka facebook). I wonder what my friend in Texas is going through right now on her vacation with a close family friend. I find myself recalling what it was like to plan and prep for my reception as my husbands best friends fiance is doing so now-a-days. I wonder what little thoughts enter Emmas head in the second she wakes up from a nightmare at 5am. I wonder how Kirk, my husband is doing...every. Single. Day. For a year and a half I have been married to this man, and boy we have had a healthy dose of struggle. But I find myself even after all the hurt and pain still imagining a better future. Whether its tomorrow, a year from now, when all of our kids have arrived, or when they're all grown. I don't want to ever be just another divorcee-not saying that's on the plate or anywhere near it right now-but honestly it's been a thought more than once. And I never want to be there. I want to grow old with him happily. He's a good man.
My point in my rambling tonight is to just put my very small and probably not even noticed world out there for an evening. I have a life too, and I love knowing I'm not the only one who has one. I can only imagine a fraction of what else is going on in everyone elses lives that I've come so close to over the years tonight!
Good night to those of you I'm imagining reading this.
I wonder what I'll imagine tomorrow!